April 12th, 2009

QUESTION:
I have a date with a someone I knew from 10 yrs ago when I weighed 120 lbs (now i’m normal weight for a woman my age). We have a date today. How do I handle this guy if he makes a comment about me moving from the Kate Moss type of model to the Emme type of model?

Sincerely,

Emme type of model

ANSWER:

Dear Emme,

To be incredibly blunt (and hopefully not too offensive in the process):
You need to be far more grounded in your own reality.

I sincerely hope you have fun on your date…romance is a blast to experience and I wish everyone the best in their romantic endeavours. But if your date doesn’t like the way you look that’s his problem, not yours. If he tells you that he’s not satisfied with your physical appearance, or — for that matterif anyone ever tells you that they aren’t satisfied with something about you that is intrinsic to yourself — simply laugh at them and nonchalantly reply:

“Do you want to see my ‘Scared’ face now? Or should I save it for later?”

And let them know that you don’t really care one way or the other if they disapprove of you.*

*Note: If you do care whether or not they disapprove of you, then STOP DOING THAT. IMMEDIATELY. That is exactly what it means to be grounded in your own reality: To be confident about who you are, and about the choices you make in your life. Anything less than that is an incredibly shaky foundation on which to start a relationship.

Great connection! But then what??

November 15th, 2007

Hey friends, welcome to another edition of Today’s Date!

Today we have a great letter as to how to handle a date that flakes on you. You’ve all experienced it – a great connection, a few phone calls, and then everything just suddenly stops. If you’re interested to know more, then read on….

QUESTION:

“I met someone last week, we ended up hanging out and meeting on Saturday..instant connection, attraction and great conversation. We went out on Saturday, sunday and hung out and watched a movie on monday..he than told me he wanted to take me on a real date…so we went out thursday night, showed up with roses and took me to a great dinner, karaoke and a nice good night kiss..he invited me to a concert on saturday and we went with his friends…the next day we hung out for a few hours and than..he told me he wanted to be alone that day..which is completely understandable because we spent basically the whole week together. He has not tried to contact me since than.

I emailed him on tuesday just saying “hi”…he said “hi, I have a busy week..sister in town, etc.”

So I wrote..have fun with your sister,I am sure we will talk or see each other soon..

He than wrote me back saying “yes, we will see each other soon”.

My question is..how does someone go from calling you so much and seeing you so much in the first week to nothing the week after? What kind of game is he playing and is he still really intersted? Should I wait for him to call me…am I being too sensitive?

Love,

Single in the city (Female), NYC”

Hey Single,

I’ve got a two part answer for you.

The first part is “How to deal with yourself,” and the second part is “How to deal with the boy”


HOW TO DEAL WITH YOURSELF

It can be quite a confusing time trying to read someone else’s emotions, especially when you’ve just met them… which is exactly why I recommend this fantastic solution:

Stop trying to figure them out.

Other people have all sorts of reasons for doing the things they do. Perhaps they pursued you really intensely because you reminded them of an ex-girlfriend with whom they were madly in love. Perhaps the chase was so strong because they get an extreme high from the first week of dating someone. Perhaps the initial attraction was so strong because they didn’t know if they could get you interested.

Like I said: People have all sorts of reasons and motivations behind their actions. Trying to figure out someones reasons without really knowing the person is like trying to alphabetize your record collection while blindfolded.

On the other hand, people have all sorts of reasons for NOT doing the things that they choose not to do.

Maybe he hasn’t called back because he is really busy, like he said. Maybe he’s got a problem with anything beyond a basic level of emotional intimacy. Maybe another girl he’s been pining over came back into his life. You really have absolutely no way of knowing what’s going on in his life and — in the first few weeks of a relationship, at least — you shouldn’t be all that bothered.

Where is worrying, wondering, or trying to figure it going to get you?

Even if you came up with the perfect theory as to why he was doing what he did, theories are only that: Theories.

Again, the best advice I can offer is not to give it a second thought. Or rather, give something else your thought.

How is this accomplished?

Try this example to help you understand:
Don’t think of a pink elephant.

Unfortunately, you can’t do it. Your “goal” involves a pink elephant, and therefore you must think of a pink elephant in order to not think of a pink elephant. Your best bet is to come up with as many other things to occupy your brain as you can (get it to pursue another goal) and the first goal will leave your conscious thoughts.

So how do you use this in your dating life?

Constantly fill your life with interesting activities, and ideas.

Go take the drawing class you’ve always wanted to do. Arrange a night out with some friends at the trendy new bar you’ve always wanted to visit. Go out, meet a new guy, and invite him over so you can try cooking a new recipe for him (make sure you tell him to bring a bottle of wine, or to pick up dessert, as he’ll appreciate having to put in the effort.)

Eventually, if he really was that motivated and interested, he’ll be calling back (while you’re in the middle of doing something incredibly fun, as mentioned in the last paragraph.)


HOW TO DEAL WITH THE BOY

“OK. Fine. I’m over him,” you say. (Yeah. right..) “but just on the off chance that I wanted to… how would I get him back?”

There’s quite a few schools of thought on how to re-build attraction.

Personally, I’ve found that if someone flakes out, it’s a huge indicator of their personality, and I usually will not be interested enough to keep pursuing them — besides, there’s 6 billion people on the planet, so why get hung up on one of them that’s not hung up on you?

But, if you must, you can try some of the following tactics (you’ll have to test these out, over time, and with different people, and decide which is the most comfortable for you, and which you are able to execute the best.)

1) The Mystery/Intrigue tactic:

Email or call them, asking them if they are free on Tuesday from 8pm to 10pm. (Or whenever, just make it a very specific time…) In your contact with them, be sure to subtly let them know that you’re really busy the rest of the week, but that you have something REALLY interesting planned for your requested time.

If they are free, tell them “Great. Make sure you wear jeans, and pick up a 1 box of Grape Nerds.” Any sort of accessories or clothing direction will do, as long as your date is told to put effort into the evening, and they are not told as to WHY they are bringing what they’re bringing.

This serves a dual purpose of making them more invested (people always appreciate something more if they have to work for it), and of building an intrigue (“Why the hell does she want me to bring Grape Nerds??? I have to find out!”)

More likely than not, you’ll actually have something for them to do involving the objects you asked them to bring, but I’ve even done this with no use at all for what I asked my partners to bring.

HER: “Wait, so why did you make me bring a box of playing cards? I had to go 5 blocks down to the drug store to get them!”

ME: “Well, you had fun trying to figure out what the hell you were going to be doing with a box of playing cards and a really handsome boy from 7 to 9 tonight, didn’t you?”

HER: “Yeah.”

ME: “Good. Then we’re off to a good start, let’s go get some sushi…”

2) The SMS/Email Approach:

If you really want to seem like you’re not chasing after someone, txt messages and email are always an easy way to do so. You can send out mass txts/emails to your friends (including your special friend) inviting them to “amazing music tonight @ 9, txt me back” or “we’re all getting together at *insert new restaurant* thursday for drinks at 6, be there.”

Whatever it is, make sure it’s something you’re going to be doing — and enjoying — regardless of if the person comes or not. Your absolute first priority should be that YOU have a good time. After that, it’s up to them to find out what they’re missing out on.

3) The Direct Approach:

Then, finally, there’s always the “Call them on their bullshit” approach.

This approach is the one you need to be the most delicate with. When you call someone on being a flake, you need to AVOID the two extremes of either seeming too needy (“Why haven’t you called me? I missed you. I thought we had a good time!”) or seeming too demanding (“If you ever expect to see me again, don’t you ever treat me like that.”)

Instead, the proper message to convey is one of indifferent and playful interest:

Try saying something like this:

“Listen, I know i’m an incredibly fascinating and attractive woman. You know you’re a semi-cute boy who has an undeniable crush on me. So let’s stop beating around the bush and go meet up for a cup of tea this Thursday.”

And then shut your lips, and wait for a response. You might be pleasantly surprised at what comes back.

Good luck!

Thanks again for your letters everyone!
Until next time, I wish you all success in your romantic endeavors!
-Ben C. of Today’s Date

Ben C. Speaking @ Valentines Day Event

April 12th, 2007

Site coming soon.

Please check out this video of Ben C., founder of Today’s Date, speaking at a recent seminar.




#1

April 11th, 2007

Q: “So there’s a guy, whose name will remain anonymous. We’re friends and we hang out very occasionally in group settings. We talk here and there on myspace. He recently wrote, “Would it be okay if I took you out to dinner or something?”

Does that mean a date? And if i don’t want it to be a date, what do i say? I still want to be friends with him.”


- Helen from Bel Air, MD

Being that I am a dating coach whose job is to help people learn how TO date someone, I am always surprised when I get questions from people who want advice on how NOT to date someone.

However I still think that those of you reading this may be able to benefit from hearing some of these questions, as it will really let you hear the “other” side — the side you may be misunderstanding.

Now, obviously I haven’t met this guy, nor have I heard his tone of voice or seen body language cues that could give me more to go on, but I do have one very important clue :

He asked your permission to let him take you out.

Framing a question like this gives off the impression that you are NOT CONFIDENT, and that you NEED HER PERMISSION before you can spend money on her..

Let’s take a look at those two qualities :

- Lack of confidence

- Approval seeking.

On a scale of “1” to “Attractive,” how do you think most women would rate men who exhibit those qualities???

From the woman’s perspective, by the time this guy has asked the question in this manner, he’s already out. Had his personality shown more confidence and had he known how to NATURALLY build attraction FROM THE FIRST INTERACTION, he’d be able to, with a witty smile on his face, make a joke and phrase the question like this:

“Helen — where are you taking me out to dinner tonight? Let’s make it someplace well-lit, so I can make sure you don’t try to sneakily slip something in my drink in yet ANOTHER suspect attempt to seduce me, okay??”

By flipping the frame on her, and turning the situation from anxiety to humor, you have virtually eliminated all of the uncomfortable tension (while simultaneously still leaving some of the romantic tension undertones.)

Instead of timidly wondering whether a girl would “be okay” if you wanted to take her out to dinner, YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE THE PRIZE. YOU are the one who is fun to be with, and that you’re going to go have some fun and, if she’s lucky, she can come along.

And not only would he have her laughing about it, but guess who might be taking who out to dinner that night?

Helen — as far as the quandry from YOUR side — honesty is usually the best route:

You can either ask him “Are you trying to date me?” In which case, he’ll either tell you yes or no. “No” means you’re off the hook, and the two of you can continue normal, un-attractive interaction. “Yes” means you just need to clarify to him, specifically, that you’re not interested.

If you prefer a more subtle approach you can always choose to structure your interactions with him in non-attractive contexts. Short meetings are usually best, and during the daytime (to avoid any of those pesky “nighttime romantic feelings” that commonly occurs amongst humans.)

I would like to go on the record as saying, though, that my expertise is in BUILDING attraction, not in avoiding it.

Q. I have seen this girl every day when I go to get my coffee, and she seems to be into me. How do I know if she is actually into me or if she is just selling some coffee?

- Pris from Philadelphia, PA

The answer is simple : If she’s talking to you, she’s into you.

On a more serious note : Just flirt with the woman.

What does it matter if she’s into you??? She’s selling you coffee, not a wedding ring!!!

Once you stop worrying whether or not “she’s into you” and once you stop wondering whether you’re going to have any success with this woman, you’ll be able to be much more relaxed with her.

If you’re just out to live your life and have a good time, people around you will notice that about you, and they will appreciate it.

Try this :

Next time you go in to the shop, ask her to “put a little extra love” in your venti-café-latte-soy-mocha-caramel (Or whatever it is you Starbuckians are drinking these days.)

Start up a conversation with her. Flirt. Be funny.

But most of all – ENJOY YOURSELF. There is a big difference between a man who is “trying too hard” and one who’s actually comfortable in his own skin, and women are very tuned in to sensing this difference… very tuned in. WOMEN LOVE BEING AROUND SOMEONE WHO IS VERY COMFORTABLE WITH THEMSELVES AND WITH OTHERS.

And more importantly than “what a woman can sense” is “what you actually experience”. By just having fun and making a party out of every place you go, you will find that WOMEN WILL BE NATURALLY DRAWN TO YOU BECAUSE YOU JUST ARE A GOOD TIME, AND THEY ENJOY BEING AROUND YOU!

To all my friends and acquaintances : If you have enjoyed reading this newsletter, or think that someone you know could use a little dating advice, please do both them and myself a favor by forwarding this on. And again, I would _LOVE_ to hear any success stories or even questions you have for me, or any other Today’s Date associate.

Your friend,
-Ben C.

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